


Little Arsehole

by faggghaggg



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: 00Q - Freeform, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-04-24 08:31:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4912477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faggghaggg/pseuds/faggghaggg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mallory's attempt to put a stop to a certain inappropriate work relationship does not go as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Little Arsehole

**Author's Note:**

> A translation of a Russian fic by Undel

M's office at the MI6 headquarters. Mallory is at his desk, preparing to conduct a disciplinary meeting. Q, dressed in his usual hipster fashion, stands before M, fidgeting slightly. He is earnest, quiet and polite. His eyes rarely leave the floor, and when they do his gaze is meek and solicitous – the more so as the meeting goes on.

– Take a seat, Q.

– I prefer to stand, thank you.

– It has come to our knowledge that you had sexual relations with Agent 007.

– Oh yes.

– Oh yes what?

– I confirm the information as valid while adding emotive emphasis: oh yes.

– I trust you realize it mustn't happen again.

– Why not?

– One cannot sleep with James Bond.

– Many people across a number of continents could refute that assertion. Thousands, I would venture to say.

– Let me be more specific: YOU cannot sleep with James Bond. You work together. It is utterly unprofessional.

– I concur. Since the scope of my professional responsibilities does not include sex services, all my efforts in that area are strictly amateur. As are my partner's.

– Your "partner" is a secret agent.

– I am aware of that. I am his personal assistant.

– Sex with an agent is impermissible.

– But he's one of ours.

– What?

– One of ours. A British agent. I have embarked on a sexual liaison with an agent of the British Secret Intelligence Service who has been thoroughly vetted and deemed trustworthy. This leads me to believe that out of several million U.K. residents I could hardly have chosen a more loyal lover.

– Q, you signed an agreement.

– It did not include a celibacy clause. I am in full compliance, including Paragraph 15.02, "Due Care of Government Property". I've been very careful with Bond, though to refer to an agent as property is a bit of a stretch.

– Your feelings may interfere with your job performance.

– Is there a reason to suspect me of having feelings?

– Your affair could pose a threat to national security.

– In what way? If we were to postulate that any tryst potentially exposes state secrets, which strikes me as somewhat dubious, I would remind you again that I am involved with a man who has advanced clearance.

– You took an oath of allegiance to Queen and country.

– I find it hard to imagine how one can be physically unfaithful to one's country. At any rate, Bond and I are both British citizens, so ours was not a transnational act. As concerns the Queen, only Prince Philip has taken the conjugal vows, and if one is to believe the media I have terrible news for Her Majesty.

– Aside from serving as personal, or shall I say INTIMATE, assistant to Bond, you're head of Research and Development. Your liability is twofold.

– I bear that in mind. I've employed neither the laboratory equipment nor the office premises in the service of my physiological needs. The exception being the toilet facility, utilized by me, alongside other personnel, for its express purpose, namely–

– That will do.

– And the canteen, which, not unlike my colleagues, I use to satisfy my physiological requirement for food.

– Q, this relationship is, quite simply, improper.

– If we proceed from traditional values, the claim of impropriety may be seen to reside in the fact of sexual congress between persons not married or engaged.

– What?

– Not engaged. Not betrothed. Not intended. Not promised to each other before man and God. And since I must concede that I do not plan to marry Bond, from a traditional viewpoint my actions shall remain improper.

– Remain? Delighted to hear that my words mean nothing to you.

– On the contrary, every term you've used has a dictionary meaning with which I'm quite familiar. For instance, "improper" can mean "sinful". I am well-versed in the concept of sin, but as a member of the Anglican Church and therefore an atheist I do not believe in it and cannot accept it as an argument.

– We're not arguing, Q.

– I'm overjoyed. Let me also point out that the act was entirely voluntary and as such in no way improper. I did not coerce the Agent. And despite the fact that the sex took place in my flat, at no time did I restrict his freedom of movement.

– That I'd like to see…

– That shouldn't prove difficult if you've got the video. I can elucidate if something isn't clear.

– Q, what you're doing is dangerous.

– Indeed, and we've taken precautions.

– Such as?

– Condoms. They offer superior protection against sexually transmitted disease.

– I had other dangers in mind.

– The risk is minimal. To wit, a small hematoma in the brachium region. Bond has apologized. I doubt it's serious, but I'm willing to undergo a medical evaluation. Do you wish to observe the scope and nature of the injury?

– You want to show me your bruises?

– Only if you insist.

– Look, I appreciate the sarcasm.

– I'm pleased to hear it.

– But there is a time and a place for it, and this is neither. I want you to hear what I'm telling you. You're still very young.

– Not at all. I'm well above the age of consent. You have my assurances that both Bond and I are of legal age, fully competent, and living. As regards the homosexual nature of the act, it is no longer punishable by British law and widely practiced both within and outside the Union.

– I don't give a damn about the nature of the act! It should never have transpired at all. And you have no business calling him Bond!

– Yes, he mentioned that. He though I might call him James in bed.

– I don't care what goes on in your bed!

– My apologies, I'd formed the opposite and apparently erroneous impression.

– You must use his code name. To you, he's Agent 007.

– I'm afraid it would render certain aspects of our relationship rather futuristic. But if it's essential to Queen and country, I shall comply.

– This isn't some whim of mine. There are rules of security.

– I see. Addressing a person as 007 promotes security. Very well. I was led astray by the fact that James is a common given name, whereas numbering children is rare. In view of your extensive field experience, I cannot and must not debate the issue. From now on, 007 is 007. And my bed is the Millennium Falcon.

– Do not make a farce of security! No one can know the Agent's name.

– You think he didn't know? Am I accused of revealing Bond's name to Bond? Believe me, the allegation is false. I addressed him by name in private only, and judging by the fact that he answered, he already knew he was Bond. Evidently the intel was leaked earlier. Perhaps in school.

– Mr. Boothroyd!

– Sir Geoffrey, please.

– Q, do you know who I am?

– Of course.

– I could make a lot of trouble for you. You're risking a demotion.

– As the head of MI6, you do have full authority to promote or demote me. May I ask how the stimulation of my prostate could precipitate either decision?

– You're enjoying this, aren't you.

– Discussing my sex life with a stranger? Hardly.

– Q…

– I have the oppressive feeling that you view the event in question with some prejudice, perhaps because you don't have all the facts. If you permit me to tell the whole story, you will be satisfied that no security breach has taken place. 007 and I met at the National Gallery. I delivered some gadgets and their operating instructions, which constituted the extent of my assignment. My workday concluded, the subsequent actions were those of a private citizen. In that capacity, I shared with 007 some of my views on art – I believe the topic was Turner – after which we took our discussion to the men's room. There we engaged in brief foreplay, for the Gallery is a public edifice frequented by children. So as to prevent damage to common decency and public property, we exited the Gallery and headed for my flat, stopping en route to acquire certain aids for greater coital enjoyment. I'm a bit fuzzy on the details, but since the coitus proved highly enjoyable I assume there were aids.

– How many other synonyms for bonking do you know?

– Not counting curse words? Fifteen or sixteen. My point is, we were not observed by any children, unless of course they'd watched the Gallery's security tapes, the odds of which are statistically negligible. The foreplay continued in my flat, advancing to heavy petting. Then we took off our clothes. To be more accurate, we took them off in the process. From hereon in, I may get confused in the timeline. What would you like me to focus on? The number of orgasms? The technical aspects of the penetration? I presume the penetrative act is of particular interest?

– Hold your tongue!

– Fellatio as well, then.

– No!

– Thank you, that would have been tedious. If you've only got the audio recording, you may conclude that we were discussing theology. In fact, exclamations such as "Oh my Lord!" and "Dear God in Heaven!" were affective in character and wholly without religious connotation. The same holds true for my shouts of "Oh my God, Bond!" I'd like to emphasize that I am not now, nor have I ever been, of the belief that 007 is God, which is a testament to my mental stability.

– Wrap it up, Q!

– I thought we've covered that.

– Out of my office! And not another word about this matter. To me or anyone else! Do I make myself clear?

– One last question.

– What?!

– Why are you aiming at me?


End file.
